the quarter anniversary

Dear Kailey

I can't believe it's been 3 months already.
Don't think that I have forgotten about you.
I'm trying to get on with life, but you're on my mind all the time.
And always will be.

I love you babe.

the feelings buried deep inside

Dear Kailey

This is an excerpt of what mummy wrote in my support group story:

...
the thought about keeping the baby on my own did strike me in those days, but in the end i was just not courageous and strong enough to just do it.
i didn't want my child to be brought up in a single-parent family; and i'm really afraid that i can't give my baby the best that can be given.
but these justifications do not stop the guilt from setting in.
...
pain, yes there was pain after the pill was inserted and after the abortion, but no pain can compare to the one in my heart when i realised what i had done.

straight after the abortion, i felt nothing but relief, like a whole weight has been lifted from my shoulders. but the day after, as i sat there with my hand on my tummy, it struck me that my baby was gone, that there was a finality to what i did.
till today, i can still remember the blissful feeling of knowing i have a baby inside (despite being unsure about the future), the fatigue, the nausea, the excitement, the love i feel that filled my heart.
till today, i still wonder what it would have been if i had just bite the bullet and gone on with the pregnancy.

after note:
the gynae found growths during the abortion, which after more checks were found to be pre-cancerous cervical cancer cells.
this wouldn't have been discovered if not for the fact that i gave up my beautiful baby.
my angel was here to save my life, one way or the other.

I love you baby.
This fact will never change.
Not ever.