i didn't mean to let you go
But i did and i'm sorry
Till the day i hold you in my arms again
Remember i really love you truly
Saturday, October 29, 2005
the one called quatrième
Dear Kailey
The months just fly by don't they? And the love just keeps growing. I have no idea why, but this song from Broadway Annie keeps coming to mind today. Take it as my gift for today.
It's ironic I know, for I'm the one who took away your tomorrow. But one day, tomorrow will be the day we meet. Let's look forward to that.
The sun'll come out Tomorrow Bet your bottom dollar That tomorrow There'll be sun!
Just thinkin' about Tomorrow Clears away the cobwebs, And the sorrow 'Til there's none!
When I'm stuck a day That's gray, And lonely, I just stick out my chin And Grin, And Say, Oh!
The sun'll come out Tomorrow So ya gotta hang on 'Til tomorrow Come what may Tomorrow! Tomorrow! I love ya Tomorrow! You're always A day A way!
I was watching the final episode of a sitcom when it ended with a scene of the protagonist couple having a baby. I would say it is probably the most touching scene in the whole series. And I broke down in tears.
The tears were so unexpected and unannounced. I keep thinking that I'm moving on slowly but surely. Maybe not yet huh? The fact that I suppress the memories of what happened does not mean that those same memories don't remind just as fresh.
I was with your dad when it happened. To give him credit, he held me close and told me not to apologize for my tears. He's sweet sometimes, your dad. Really really sweet. Sometimes I wonder if the aftermath of our decision pertaining to you means that we will be bound together for a long time in an unhealthy way.
Oh babe, the pain still cuts like a knife when it comes. If we believe in heaven, please wait for me to hold you in my arms again. It might take a while, but I will be there. If we believe in reincarnation, please be my girl again. Later this life, the next life or the next and the next....I still want to be your mum. And this time I will not make the same mistake.
It's just going to get worse as it draws closer to your expected due date.
I try to make it a point not to rant about your dad to you, but some days his behaviour just takes the cake. I want to believe that even though he is not good to me, he has you on his mind. But I don't think that's the case. And for that, I'm sorry.
The latest topic in my support group discussion is on anger. We are supposed to express who we are angry at, and rate them on a scale of 10. This is an excerpt of what I posted:
ab dad - 10 Dear AF, I am just so angry. I've been angry with you for a long time now, long before the ab happened. I hated you during the period just before and after the ab. I'm just so pissed off with your reaction now, three months after the ab. Beneath the surface of the man I fell in love with, you're just an insensitive ******* who never understood what the word "love" means. The abortion saved your lifestyle and your life, but it destroyed mine. You have never understood that, and I'm guessing you never will. You said you would try to make my life easier but you never did. A lot of things you say and said are just bull**** designed to get you off the hook of the moment. You are stingy with your time, your money and your love. I have finally seen clearly what an immature jerk you are.With any luck, I will never meet someone like you again.I'm not forgiving you for a lot of things, not for a long time.
me - 9 Dear Me, I am angry because you are so stupid. Of all the decisions you have made in your life, the stupidest is to go back to AF and the next stupidest is to let him coerce you into an abortion. You could have thought it through carefully. You could have weighed up your options carefully. You have a right to the decision process too.The only reason why you got a 9 instead of a 10 is because your love for the baby is very real and very much. ...
Your dad broke my heart, not just once but many times. Him not bothering to remember your existence was probably the last straw. I don't want to influence how you feel about him, but sometimes it's so hard.
I never liked this song. Until I lost you. Then I got its meaning.
Would you know my name if I saw you in heaven? Would it be the same if I saw you in heaven? I must be strong and carry on 'Cause I know I don't belong here in heaven...
Would you hold my hand if I saw you in heaven? Would you help me stand if I saw you in heaven? I'll find my way through night and day 'Cause I know I just can't stay here in heaven...
Time can bring you down, time can bend your knees Time can break your heart, have you begging please...begging please
Beyond the door there's peace I'm sure And I know there'll be no more tears in heaven...
Would you know my name if I saw you in heaven? Would it be the same if I saw you in heaven? I must be strong and carry on 'Cause I know I don't belong here in heaven...
I have made up my mind to leave your dad. I think it is time. This is not going anywhere. And I don't want your memory to be tainted by my broken relationship with him.
Anyway he doesn't figure in our world. The only certainty is you and me, bound by my love.
